You know I love the classics, particularly cult movies. I’m very keen on the 70’s too, you’ll know, and some old favourites never really die. Unlike pulp fiction, you don’t have to do much, to take an exciting trip. Let’s get away from YouTube’s Fake Fight Club, cheap budget casts and recycled scripts for a while, and watch something better, then. ‘Cos I know my readers have class and style, unlike the trolls I have to put up with, whose cheap dramas, and sordid smear campaigns I occasionally respond to, in passing, with retorts like these, when they beg to have their scripts considered, giving it the full treatment. I try not to laugh, or yawn, but turn it into fun. This guy does it so much better than I could, keeping it short, and sweet, like a Haiku, rather than making a whole production of it. I liked him so much, I hired him to do the dirty work.

Once in a while, ‘tho, I’ll dash a quick response myself, on the back of a StickyNote, if they beg (I know; I’m all heart).

Look, I tell them. I just don’t have the budget for that kind of thing (although shooting in black n’ white isn’t cheap these days), and I don’t wish to be associated with your cheap productions! But still, they insist, after squeezing themselves in the office window, you simply must be in this movie, so I send the doorman to escort them out again, so I won’t be bothered. It would make a terrific series, they tell him, and all we need from you is your cooperation, in being amenable to whatever we want to put in the script. They keep sending little plot hints, slipping them under the door at night, to try get me hooked on their cheap scripts, and lame plotlines, and insist that everyone’s just dying to be in it, all the biggest trolls on the seedy end of YouTube. Look, they insist, here’s the showreel preview, fresh off the producer’s studio. But that’s borrowed, and stale, and smells of socks; not even your own work, I think, then figure, don’t respond. Just keep the doorman out there. He’s good with the stare, and withering comments. I’ll stay comfy, and work my way through better content, I can go out for air later, while they spin their wheels in tiny circles in the parking lot.

Mind you, the ideas they pass off as their own stories might have some merit, insofar as having a basic grasp of the elements of drama that we get hooked on, no matter how poorly they execute them, and not having much in the way of real action. That’s the problem with low budgets, and poor scripts. We like our hearts racing, when the cars come chasin’, and a car chase plot device is far more entertaining than a gang of trolls chasing you down with pathetic plotlines, like their “Fake Fight Club Part 2”, where they try to smear you in mud, and pull you into a wresting pit, to wrestle with, well, pigs.

Part 1 never made it out of the gates, but they keep trying, and are, very. These classic 70’s movies aren’t a trial to watch at all, though. I don’t even drive, but they are fantastic front seat passenger seat gripping fun. Not that many bothered wearing seat belts in the 70s. Wrecked the ol’ image, didn’t it, when you were a beat up banger pretending to be a Jag? Oh, I did like that green Jag. Not Emerald, like meself; more a racing green. And those clean lines. Nearly as good as the script, and cleaner content than YouTube’s cess pits. You get what the budget allows, sometimes, and these are glossy, fully waxed vintage classics. Plus, you have a choice of models to choose from, for your adventure (rolls up the garage gates, with the click of a button).

Now, fancy heading for a Vanishing Point, like a troll’s karma at the end of a spent LARP? Only in a far more sophisticated fantasy production? OK then (waves while glancing in rear view mirror, and zooms ahead, with cheeky grin, adjusting sunglasses, before leaning an elbow out the window for that one-arm tan, plus leather gloved brown circle, that is the envy of pedestrians, with plain ol’ two arm tans.

(adjusts car radio, for incoming news) What? You’re not a simple script action seeking troll, like the ones that never made it big time? More cerebral type. Ah. I see. We have a second choice for you, that’s still action packed, but great script, and plot heavy, too, with Gene Hackman in the lead, and more heavy guns than the trolls could ever dream of, with their limited mental resources, to entertain you with. Enjoy.