[Free book download] ~ “The Q Affaire” Donna Emerald

You lucky suckers. You get to download my comedic thriller, “The Q Affaire”, set on YouTube, but secretly embedded deep undercover, here on the blog, just ‘cos I know you enjoy hearing about the kinds of fun and games and special ops, that go on in the Truth swamps of the Tubes. You might have even thought, as I did, that someone should write a book about these sorts of people, since they are so comic. So I did. It’s classified, for your eyes only, though I’m sure you’re taking these special comms seriously enough to keep what you learn from this document secret.

They are about as nutty as you can find, down there in the Truther cesspit, and if I wrote a novel about the real people I met, and told you all the crazy things they do, you just wouldn’t be able to handle it, but I knew you could definitely handle some laughs, romance and thrills, in a juicy Truther tale with twists. I mean who wouldn’t want a bit of that to nibble on? And…..if we slap them into a cesspit setting, and toss in some political twists and puzzles to keep you amused, we could have a really fun and fascinating tale to tell. We’ll even throw in a murder mystery or two, before we mix it up into a chaotically hilarious and delightful dish to serve you up with. You might even stagger through the maze and leave in one piece, after chomping down on this banquet, if you hold onto the narrator’s teeny handy tightly. Albeit with your head blown completely by all the laughs and thrills you’ve had along the way, by the time you make to the end of the book, and find the way out. So, you think you can handle the Truth? Then enter, at your own risk.

If you prefer a paperback to a download any time, and you’re enjoying the book, but going boogly-eyed from the screen flicker, you can pay for a pretty swish version of “The Q Affaire” over here, on Amazon. There’s a Kindle version there as well, and I’ve also got digital versions available on my little Etsy shop. Over there it’s on its 2nd edition, which hasn’t had any major changes to it, just a bit of fiddling about with a few commas, and paragraph lengths. Part 2 is available separately as well, there, for readers who have finished Part 1, and want to re-enter the maze straight in at Part 2. Something for everyone, then. It’s even been freshly cursed by a real witch, and it’s guaranteed to trigger anyoneTM (no money back, terms and conditions apply)

Don’t forget, there’s a podcast of the novel as well, if you like to listen to a story while doing other stuff. The episodes for Parts 1 and 2 of the book are clearly marked, just like the table of contents in the book itself, for anyone who has read Part 1 already, and just wants to see what happens in Part 2, which can also be read/listened to as a stand alone novel. Click the link below to find more ways to listen to “The Q Affaire”

ttps://anchor.fm/donna-emerald

I warn you though, it’s terribly high-octane type excitement in Part 2, so you might not be able to HANDLE IT, unless you’ve gotten through Part 1 intact. Buckle up for the book, then, and let’s blast off!

“The Q Woo” at Café Emerald

Yipee. It’s that day I’ve been looking forward to. My new book is out, and I’m so excited, because I get to celebrate down at Café Emerald (leaps out of bed, and flings open the curtains). Well, the sun isn’t exactly shining, but that just makes it sparklier, down at the café, so it’s all good.

Didn’t know I had a little cafe, did ya? Well, I have a lot of things tucked away in my imagination, and “The Q Woo” is just one of them, that we’re celebrating today. It’s like a birthday party, for a book, what we’re doing today. This is Part 2 of “The Q Affaire”, of course, but I’m publishing it as a volume on its own, today, in the gift shop (points to an area you hadn’t noticed before, as I pour you a nice hot beverage, at the best table in the house, and they’re all great tables!). I make things. Books, art, craft, anything pretty or interesting, that I think will be fun to do, I’m sure to give it a go. I’ve even had a go at doing an ad for my book (titters).

I’ve arranged the shelves nicely so you don’t even have to get out of your comfy seat to see all the bits and bobs (returns from behind the shelves somewhere with a plate of fresh croissants and jam for you, smiling).

(The Gift Shop, over there- points vaguely towards the back, at shelves with all sorts of interesting knick-knacks, plus that book that you’ve been waiting eagerly on. You salivate with interest, then notice that Donna has obligingly brought a copy of it to the table for you): DonnaEmeraldArt etsy.com

Here’s the blurb on the back cover of the latest one. I’ll read it for you, if you don’t want to let your croissants get cold before the butter and jam go on (adjusts reading glasses and reads):

What’s it about? Well, it’s a continuation of a comedy thriller I published recently, but I’ve brought in this new character, Q, that you didn’t get to meet personally, in the first book, and there’s romance, and comedy, and adventure, all rolled up in a big puzzle plot, and it’s all set on YouTube, and it’s terribly exciting, and funny, with lots of suspense, and thrills and spills. I put everything I like into it, just like I do with the other stuff in life, you know? Put in things you get a kick out of, and hope other people get a kick out of them as well, you get me? Of course it’s very deep too (puts on serious author face, not terribly convincingly). He he. It’s actually a pretty hard to follow plot, so I recommend the Backchannel Reading Room, over there, for those who are anywhere past, ooooh, Chapter 5. It’s nice and quiet in there, and very secret, so don’t tell anyone about it. You, dear reader, are a special customer, so you get the key (pulls out an ancient looking key from a devastatingly attractive but tastefully understated cleavage area, and displays its rusty elegance against a deliciously curved clavicle). There’s a fire in there, on chilly afternoons (you haul your eyes up to my face, thinking of fires and cleavages, for a moment, until comprehension dawns. I pretend to not notice I know what you were thinking, and look back at the book. as you blush. So, let’s read what the reviewers said about the ol’ bookie book, shall we? This is from the blurb at the back, as well:

I’ll leave you to enjoy your tea, coffee, cakey, musicy, bookie nice time, on your own for a while, and go look after the other customers. If you need a refill, just raise a hand absent-mindedly while reading, and I’ll be over without you missing a moment away from reading, or having to talk. Have fun, and get up and walk around whenever you want to think. WCs are in the Top Level Clearance Rooms, for Q clearance customers’ eyes only. Extra fluffy towels and fancy cologne for handies available there, dear reader. See you later. (Goes to say hello to other arrivals, seats them, and heads off to make more tea and coffee, and fiddle about with gift items people have been enthusing over while they get settled down with copies of the fabulously Fnordish looking new tome, hot off the always wonderful Ms. Emerald’s magical tablet.

Purchase link (Etsy) for books and other gift shop items, all digital formats available (instant download at checkout)

I didn’t write the whole thing at the café, as some writers do, you know, because the beeps and other weird noises can put you off, but then again, I’ve made sure nothing in my cafe beeps, and the customers, being the type that love books, are delightfully quiet and civilised. There’s even a noise cancelling button you can press, under the table, if the music distracts you, and you just want Raindrops playing. In fact, come sunset, if you are still tucked away in a corner, reading, you will mostly just hear seagulls and waves, as you drift away yourself, into your imagination, watching the sun set from our balcony, over a last cup. I do hope you had a wonderful time, and that you enjoyed the day. I hope you enjoy the novel as much as the novel time we spent together, too.

The Q Woo Book Excerpt , and a taste of the last book.

Well, that was a nice day. Think I’ll watch the stars come out before I wash those dishes, and clear up after the book launch guests. No hurry, after all. (smiles, and pulls up a seat, with a last cup of tea, to end the day).

Self-Triggering Alchemy!

In the Truther Community of YouTube, folks can be touchy. This guy, although he likes to think of himself as the sensitive, touchy feely type, who just likes to “reach out” to other people, is mostly just touchy about his own favourite topic, alchemy.

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Bob, The Last Lonely Cicada’s Crowley-inspired Video Thumnail, that prompted my ?

What the heck is that, you may say? Well, it’s a medieval fascination, which passed for science in its time (Dark Ages, as they call them now, followed by the great explosion of innovation and re-discovery of architectural triumph and art of the classical world, and a good synthesis of old and new led to better results than messin’ about in dingy basements ever had). Outmoded, bad ideas tend to hang around for a while afterwards, like the funny smell from the stove top, when you’ve had fried fish for dinner. Now, while nobody’s stupid enough to think you can turn lead into gold with any profit accruing from the mess stuck to you when you try (wash your hands VERY carefully after messin’ about with that one!), the occult has become trendy among a lot of folks, who regard themselves as alchemists, and like to look at the pictures in old books online, that have pictures of people kissing the devil’s behind, and muckin’ about with Mason Jars, and so forth, in them. Now this guy, below, didn’t like the idea of being asked about another modern-day alchemist, a certain Mr. Crowley (AKA Baphomet), by me, when I popped by ask about his beliefs, and a self-triggering alchemy ensued. As I say, touchy. Maybe all that mercury goes to the brain.

I can’t say the livestream got any friendlier after the question was asked, but I did discover that it’s fine to be a Mason (not the jar type, presumably), but not so hot to be asked things about Crowley, the Mason.

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Crowley the Mason, who called himself Baphomet

Not sure why; maybe it’s some mystical reason I just haven’t the mind for, as I didn’t appear to be self-triggering, like our alchemical friend. Anyhow, on it went. It had been a 5 hour livestream, which would have given me the vapors, had I endured the whole thing, but the last hour or so seemed to revolve around the question I’d asked. Or just around me, since my question wasn’t appreciated, it seems, by anyone, not his pal “The Dude” in the chat, nor by the rest of those in chat, who seemed to know a lot about the magic scripts that were written about me, cooked up in the Truther-Tube kitchens. They should. They wrote them.

Now, I didn’t manage to find a man to help me understand what he was trying to say (not in there!), in answer to how he managed to cook up so many alchemical scripts, without reading Crowley, but I did learn that I was an “evil bΨtch” for asking.

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The chat section, from which I was magik-ed away, agreed, and it was Khaos in there, with prescriptions for me being made up, and old formulas flying about, while I was trying to figure out whether this was their idea of a joke, or whether the mention of Crowley might be summoning up something darker, and far dank and dirty, with the fumes they must have inhaled in their experiments in the basement of YouTube. It was “Do as thou wilt” time in chat, and everyone was doing their evil bestest to wilt me, with the power of their mindlessnesss, and a few incantations. Oh, the beasts! Every rumour going around this small circle of jerks emerged from the odoriferous chat, as the pals worked together like a herd of goats chewing a ouija board, trying to make someone the butt of their accusations, as had been seen in many another channel they had “reached out” to, that like to mix things up, and shuffle truth with lies.

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Good grief, the little demons had fun in chat, as Bob the insect man become more venomous, not to mention verminous, in his self-triggered rant, rather different to the impression he wishes to convey when he’s off with the birds, in Twitter. It’s all love and hearts there, with the demons kept in check, and pinned down, while they escape out of the Tubes, with a vengeance.

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Who’s Tafoyovsky? His pal, Lestat, the Mexican vampire, who accused me on HIS livestream of paying a guy they don’t like (featured in chat, above, in an impersonation account, as Th Stg, to seduce me, although in Bob’s chat they said it was the other way around, and that he paid me. I wonder at times if Lestat is jealous, and wants the man to himself, as he likes vamping up pictures of him, dressing him up in women’s clothing.

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Lestat’s clearly inhaling the fumes, too

The Virgin Mary, to be precise. I don’t think that’s necessarily a vampire thing, but I do know it’s a Crowley fans kind of thing. Reversal, and mockery, and all that, like the mockery of the Christian rituals they’re so hot on. Not that I would know a lot about these things, not being a Satanist myself. Now, theeeriousthly (as Truth Con would say), who’s going to believe that; as if such a gorgeous creature as myself would have to pay for such services. Are they blind seers, that they can’t see my lovely avatar, or do they just like old goats and oujia boards? Where do they get this nonsense from? Why the lady many call “The Tooth”, of course, who is the go to oracle for all sorts of visions and dreams to conjure with, and plenty of spit and venom to put in the Tube. And 100 percent reliable, apparently. Yeah, right.

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Can’t follow what they’re talking about, still? Don’t worry, it just means you aren’t as stoned as them. Or not into alchemy with reality. To continue (and they did)…..

The fumes became more poisonous and self-triggering, as he started to discuss wildlife. Seems they cut chickens’ heads off for their alchemy, as he told the evil fÜckin’ bφcth (me, remember?), he’d “blow your head off with my ©ock”, “blow you the f∇ck out, and break you in two”.

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He must have to do a lot of tidying up, too, after his kitchen mix-ups, because he suggested I should knock the dust off that pussy. At least he likes cats, and chickens. Just not me, I take it. I’m sortof glad he doesn’t, in a way. I don’t think alchemy would be my thing, if you end up like this, all self-triggering, and all over one question.

The other alchemists loved it.

Remove your children from the room for this clip……..

At least he admitted that he was being a “total asshÓle. Ole, as Lestat might say. The admissions got thicker as the humors were still on him, and I learned a lot about how the bug thinks. He blabbed that he was just talking jibberish about the gang thing he’d been pushing, because he could say anything he wanted. He was right, because the video stayed up, despite my reporting it to YouTube. You can pretty much say anything and everything you want about someone on the Tube, and they’ll do nothing about it, when you complain to them. However, he wasn’t exactly apologizing for the lies, no. He was saying he was enjoying them greatly. It’s fun, the ol’ do as thou wilt thing, after all.

After long diversion from the question of whether he’d read Crowley, that I’d asked, he eventually came to the real answer. The answer to why he’d been telling such awful stories about me, and hanging out with others in the dungeons, who were. He wanted rid of me, off YouTube and Twitter. Aha. Perhaps he wasn’t very lucid in his thinking, saying it, but he was, for once, being honest. All this, to get rid of someone who he just didn’t like, because he saw them talking to someone he doesn’t like. No, Bobs. I’m afraid I do what I like too, I just don’t think anything goes, with no boundaries, and no respect, like you.

Bonus: If you’re interested in giving these absolute charmers more views, the whole 5 hours of fumed out nonsense is here. Viewer discretion is advised, but insanity might be more helpful, if you intend to watch the whole thing. If you just want to watch them berate me, here’s the last hour.

Update, 2020: It seems that one of the people in this post, the winged beetle guy, has changed his ways, and gone to the other camp, having “found Jesus”, as they say. Well, there are two sides to every coin. Whatever his reasons, and whatever crutch he’s currently propping himself up with, it’s a big improvement from the self-triggering days, and he’s pretty much staying out of online arguments, despite his old adversary, Thomas Schoenberger’s best attempts to drag him into the virtual ring that keeps arguments going around in circles forever, like an oroborus chomping it’s own tail. He prefers bible stories to occult tomes now, and that ain’t so bad. Hopefully, no bible-thumping will ensue. Always gives me a headache, that.